Said the drunk man with the Taylor guitar and torn up twenty dollar bills (he also asked if we thought he could use them to buy pizza. We said Yes) who approached us while having a smoke outside Peter McManus Pub on the corner 19th & 7th Ave. As far as your average drunk bums go, not a bad fellow. His name was Josh, or Jerry. Not sure. So what began as a mellow Tuesday evening with the girls turned into having to fend off troubled patrons, and having WAY too much beer. And for those that know me, there’s almost never any such thing as “too much beer.”
It all really started when my roommate Sarah Jean’s friend Zara left. It was the first time I’d hung out with Zara, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself; we seemed to hit it off. She had an audition the next morning, so late night drinking was out of the question. Prior to her exit, a mutual guy friend of SJ (she dislikes the nickname, but it’s faster to type) and I showed up, and bought us a pitcher. Another classmate from our school (everyone mentioned by name is in school with me), Matt C, had coincidentally been drinking there too, so he joined us. He bought a second pitcher, and we were having fun. Matt C and I went out for a smoke when we met the utterer of the afore-mentioned phrase, which he approached us with. Nothing particularly interesting happened, except that I learned that McManus used to be called “Bob & Bruce’s.” Who knew. Our new bum friend, apparently.
So after everyone had been at the bar for a while, myself, SJ, one of our other roomies (Dannie) and her guy from work, as well as two Matt’s and Taylor. I went outside to look for SJ, who I saw from afar was talking to Matt C (the other being Matt G, who bought the first round) and a rather slovenly, unattractive, drunk-looking girl. Not that I judge. That didn’t happen until later. As I approached, Matt C walked away, past me back to the bar. The Drunk Girl appeared rather confused and asked what his problem was, and if he was gay. SJ laughingly apologized, as she’d been jokingly giving Matt C a hard time, and that we were classmates. Drunk Girl didn’t seem to process anything we said, and stormed off after telling us she lived in Long Island (then why the hell are you here by yourself? One wonders). We head back to the bar, and I sit down with Dannie and her guy. Matt C tells us to stay away from Drunk Girl; she’s crazy. Fair enough.
So it’s just me, Dannie and her guy, and I see Drunk Girl coming back. I whisper that I don’t think she’ll recognize me. No sooner do I say that, than she stops at my table, right next to my chair, leans in and says “come here,” whilst grabbing my face.
As though electrocuted, I jump back, raise my finger in a “bad doggy!” kind of way and say, very loudly, “FUCK. OFF.”
She looked stunned, and hoping to avoid her becoming violent or even-more unreasonable, I quickly followed with “I’m sure you’re a lovely girl, but I’m not interested, please go.” She turned away without a word, walks around my table to Dannie, and tries to pull the same thing. Dannie immediately leaned into her guy, told Drunk Girl she was with him, see? Kissy kissy. So Drunk Girl decides the best thing to do is go to the AC unit and take her shirt off. Not a pleasant sight, even with a bra. So the younger bartender steps in, and drags her out by the arm. She didn’t really protest, but then, this broad didn’t know left from right. I seriously doubt that she only under the influence of booze. On top of that, she couldn’t have been older than 19. Probably 18. I went out for a smoke, saw her around a potted plant, did a 180 and asked the bartender for a light, shaking my head. We briefly commiserated, and he returned to work.
But that’s not all.
SJ is uncommonly pretty. Actually, all of my roommates are. A well-off fellow in his thirties took notice, and started buying us rounds. And when I say us, I mean pretty much all of us. He walked over with 5 Bud-Lites, and we thanked him enthusiastically. Who am I to say no to free beer? At any rate, it got late, Dannie was exhausted from work and wanted to leave, as did I. She wouldn’t leave without both me and SJ. SJ didn’t want to leave. Neither did Matt G, and we still had a lot of beer. So we finished the second round (mostly) that our benefactor bestowed upon us, when, out of nowhere, he comes back with another 5 beers, totaling 15. I ended up picking up a few, and imposing them upon a young guy named Zed we’d met earlier, and his chick friends. There is a time and a place for that much beer, and a Tuesday night at 3 o’clock in the morning is not it. This was on top of the other pitcher Matt G bought, as well as the tequila shots. I was drunk, and if I’m drunk, usually everyone else is. Sometimes not, but that’s another story. Dannie and I managed to get almost everyone outside, so I went back for the stragglers. Namely SJ and Matt G. SJ comes willingly. Matt G proclaims that we need to rally the troops and pound the remaining 5 or so beers as well as the pitcher. I literally dragged him by the arm out of the bar, apologizing and thanking the bartenders as we went. We got a cab and got home. I offered to make pasta with alfredo for Matt G and SJ, who, by the time I was done cooking, had passed out on the couch. So I ate two bowls myself, and saved the rest for later.
So, to sum up, I discovered that the first person to really sexually harass me in NYC would not be a drunken older man or fresh over-grabby party boy, as I thought, but an 18 year old Drunk Girl. And, sometimes there is too much beer.
Good-night all, I’m going back to watching Nip/Tuck with Sarah Jean.
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